October 25, 2018 3 min read

Scheduling Sex


Sex is an extremely important part of the marriage relationship. For couples who get this to work, it makes life go so much easier. Those who don't, can really struggle and it can make life together more difficult.

I am frequently asked the questions, "How often should we have sex?" or “How can I get my spouse to have more sex with me?” Generally, there is one spouse in a marriage who wants to have sex more frequently than the other--and it's not always the guy. Often, I will have women come up to me at my seminars and say, "My husband doesn't want to have sex with me. What do I do?"

This can become a major point of contention for couples. During my seminars and on my DVD, I challenge men to be lovers to their wives; I teach them how to win their wives sexually. But for a lot of people, it still doesn't work and many couples struggle with this issue. They get frustrated and guys can get especially discouraged if they are constantly turned down. When that happens, they don't want to be lovers to their wives anymore.

Sex was designed by God to be the single greatest force to bring a husband and wife together. If you aren't having sex, you end up with all this separation and tension in the relationship. If you don't fix it, it can eventually destroy the marriage. You must deal with it and find a way to make this work. Unless there are physical, mental health or illness related issues, just refusing to have sex with your spouse is not right; in fact, it is blatantly wrong and the Bible is very clear about it. If you two are having relationship issues that are hindering your sex life, then go and get help from a counselor or pastor to fix those things.

Now, if the two of you are struggling with the "When do we have sex?" problem just because you are too busy and can’t seem to make the time for it, here is a practical suggestion for you: Grab the calendar and plan out your sex life!  Negotiate the schedule.

Let's say he wants to have sex every three days and she wants it only once a week, so you split the difference and plan it for every fourth day. I know it doesn't seem very romantic, but you need to move past that and take care of the sexual needs of your spouse and attend to your marriage.

Plan around the things on your calendar: We have to go to dinner with the boss this day, and this is the kid's soccer day, etc....just work it out and make time for it! Stick to the calendar and then have fun.

And here is the deal…you can make it incredibly romantic! Once you have it locked in, let's say that your appointment for sex is Thursday, now have fun and play with it! Flirt with her, remind him of the upcoming appointment! It's great because the more interested one can be playful and kiss and touch their spouse without the other one thinking: "Great! He/she just wants to have sex!" 

It can be a real sensitive issue when your spouse thinks that the only reason you are touching him/her is because you want to score! The game is on and no one is in scoring position until Thursday! Be romantic, give your spouse a back rub, but it's just a back rub because it’s not Thursday! Now you can be comfortable just being held and touched. Lead up to it and really have fun with it.

The reason a lot of couples aren't touching each other is because one is so quick to turn it into a sexual thing and other doesn't want it so they back off and shut it down. This causes more separation. A marriage needs to have physical contact that is non-sexual, too.

So tonight, grab your calendars and schedule sex! Don't just pencil it in either--write it in ink! Put a smiley face or a heart in the box as code so the kids or the neighbors don't know what it is when they look at the calendar posted on the refrigerator! Plan it, work it, make it fun, and give each other reminders, like an electronic calendar: "Ding! You have an important meeting in 24 hours!"

I promise you, doing this can give you the freedom and liberty that you've been lacking. Then, sex can be fabulous and not this aggravating thing that the two of you argue over all the time.

For another great resource to help plan your sex life, check out “The Bead Method”athttps://markgungor.com/collections/books/products/the-bead-method-book-gift